As I’m laying here wide awake in bed listening to both my boys snoring away, I have to smile. This insomnia business went away for awhile, but now I’m up sitting on Instagram and I happened down a rabbit hole of old high school acquaintances and had the strangest feeling of nostalgia? Maybe that’s not the right word I’m looking for, but what I saw on their feeds was the typical perfect life. Dating and looking beautiful, beach vacations, getting married, getting a puppy, moving in together, going out with their other beautiful friends and just living such a regular, perfect life. Or so it seems, but still, it’s what you’re “supposed to do”.
And then I think about how completely unconventional my whole relationship has been. From the very get go it wasn’t what anyone expected, hell, it wasn’t what I expected! Not to say I haven’t loved every kicking and screaming second of it, it’s been a roller coaster. And I happen to love roller coasters. But still, I feel so distant from everyone else in our story. I can’t talk to his parents the way the way I had hoped to because there is so much drama from the past. (Long story for another day) I feel like a pariah in his family. And it doesn’t help that we got pregnant and drove off to Montana on a whim! And my family, good grief. My parents only divorced two years ago. So Tim meets my family in complete disarray and I’m sure believes that’s the way it’s always been, but it hasn’t. I hardly recognize them anymore and that’s a devastation in it’s own right.
And now we are at a cross roads. Pregnant with baby number two, oh yeah, SURPRISE! And having to delay our wedding until summer 2015, if we even have it anymore (so much family angst I can’t imagine my parents in the same room, let alone Tim’s family enjoying our campy theme at all) and I sometimes looks at us like what is wrong with us? How did we do this all backwards?? Why didn’t we get the normal path where everything lines up and makes sense and everyone is happy and joyful for us?
Oh I remember, because we aren’t just regular people that are satisfied with “normal”. We need more. We need to live our life a little on the edge to feel it’s fullest breadth. We need to challenge everything that tells us what we should do and how we should be. We like to live passionately and creatively and that means we don’t fit in a neat little box like all the rest. We have done nothing conventional and yet we still love just as hard.
I guess when I look at those other pictures I wonder what could have been, but then I look to my beautiful family and realize, we have may have done it all wrong, but I would do it a million times over just to be in this exact moment with them.