by eltomboy

>I have been thinking all night. Can’t seem to find the off button.

Thoughts of creativity and age and meaning and life. Heavy duty stuff,  ya know?

The whole time I’m concerned that I’m not reaching my full potential, I’m not doing all of the things I want to be doing, I’m scared of change, I should  be doing more.

Yet, at the same time, what exactly am I doing to be warding off all of these things I dread?

I want to be making things, but I spend soooo much time trying to figure out what, and how and think “it’s not going to be perfect, so what’s the point” and I just sit here.

Thinking isn’t going to put ink on paper, thinking isn’t going to turn my sewing machine on, thinking isn’t going to do me much good. Especially when I want concrete tangible objects to show for my thinking.

I want to be great. I mean I think I’m great, sure, who doesn’t think they’re awesome. However, the contents of my head are invisible to those around me if I don’t even begin to share. And I must admit there are some great ideas up there, I just have yet to realize them.

I have been a bit of a wreck lately where I work all day, can’t wait to get home, yet when I get here and think of all the things that I told myself I could do once I got home, I do nothing. Pop in another movie, throw a pity party for myself, mope about in my pj’s and then call it a night.

WHAT?!!? Allll day, I thought, I’m finally going to sew little hangy tabs in all of my jackets so they hang properly on the hook and don’t get a huge nobbin on the back (terrible habit and very bad for my poor jackets) I am going to draw draw draw in all of my sketch books, I’m going to write a letter to my best friend, I’m going to bake something as a surprise for my boyfriend, I’m going to collage, blah blah blah.

Have I done any of it? No. and now that is 11:44 on a Wednesday night I’m kicking myself because yes, I should go to bed, yes, I should get up and go to work early tomorrow, and yes, that would be the responsible thing to do, but no, I want to stay up. I want to scribble endlessly, I want to take pictures, I want to write a poem.

So, maybe, just maybe, after I post this, I’ll stay up.  Maybe just 20 minutes, maybe 3 hours, who knows, but I want to put all of these thoughts that are swirling around my head down on paper, or fabric, or wood.

Here’s to thoughts and hopes. And admitting that sometimes, you just need to stop thinking for a bit.