Carpe fucking Diem

I totally thought I posted Mara’s introduction post weeks ago, however it was just sitting there in my drafts. Majorly annoying.

Now I am sitting up with just my little girl, Tim took Wyatt to sleep hours ago and it is so nice to just enjoy some quiet time. It’s very easy to forget how simple it is just to open a laptop, or to watch TV with the volume at a decent level, or to simply load the dishwasher without someone pulling out every piece of silverware almost immediately after you put it in. It’s these things that seem hugely bothersome now that I am sure I will miss. Like when I have two sassy teenagers someday, I’ll wish they were just thrashing the house and getting fingerprints on every imaginable surface instead of completely hating me. I’m fully prepared for the day that happens. So, I will hold every single kiss and all the hugs in the forefront of my mind and try not to focus on all of the madness… at least for now.

This is by far the most I have ever been loved in my life. I have a baby boy that smothers me in kisses and hugs on a daily basis, I have a teeny tiny baby that needs me every second of her life and a man that rushes home to kiss me and love up on me and his babies. It truly is a wonderful existence. I think we can get lost in the day to day, but if we really examine our lives, we have it oh so good.

I read something today that really resonated with me.
“Jorge Luis Borges wrote a short story in 1941,”The Garden of Forking Paths” about time. His example suggested time-space as a labyrinth. As you travel in the labyrinth you come to a forking path. At each forking path you must make a decision to go onto one path or the other. It is that decision that defines your life through time-space. Every possibility for your life exists in that labyrinth (time-space) but you only define one path. But every possibility is there and will be eternally.”

Each and every minute we can take one of a million paths. What’s stopping us from doing something different. Every possibility is there. It really is. I am on my path with two babies and that makes my life just that much more exciting. Two human responsibilities. It makes me realize how precious and quick life is. Carpe Diem mother fuckers, carpe fucking diem. Live the life you want. Let your kids make you crazy, but love it anyways. Kat, buy those phantogram tickets for New York. Tim, start filming your fishing movie. Tom, move to Montana like you’ve always dreamed. Just fucking do it, do what you want. Live in this moment. I know everyone has said this all before, but I really believe it and hope everyone thinks like this on a daily basis. Think of every choice you’ve made and every choice you will make, make it with intention and remember you have the power to control each and every second of your life, don’t let anyone else do it for you.

I know it sounds easier said then done, but trust me, someday you’ll look back and be so happy you lived your fucking life. and now, I’ll give my wild babies sleepy kisses and let them pull out all of their books and throw their juice off the table and live fully each and every moment I have with them.

Introducing…

Mara Lake Sakai

Born July 17, 2014 at 1:35 in the afternoon. Weighing in at 6 pounds 7 ounces and 19 inches long.

She has been a dream come true. Very different than how Wyatt was, but still very similar. At first I thought she looked exactly like him, but now she is becoming her own little person in my eyes. Everyone says she looks exactly like me, so I’ll take that as a compliment. Tim missed her birth, so I delivered her at the hospital with my Aunt Lis by my side. I even cut her umbilical cord myself! I felt pretty proud of that. For as difficult of a pregnancy I had, the actual labor and delivery were awesome. I thought my little beast in the belly was going to come out a crying screaming maniac, but she has been such a calm, quiet baby thus far. I know I’m only three weeks in, but the way she was in the womb is so very opposite of how she is now. Maybe beast mode will sneak back in when she’s a bit older. ha!

I love her so much and I never thought I could love anything like I love Wyatt, but it’s strange… it’s as if your heart just gets bigger to hold all the more love. I’m one proud mama and happy to finally have my baby in my arms.

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Mother of 2

Holy shit. Being a mom to two little ones is quite a trip. It’s awesome and challenging at the same time. Yesterday we were at REI checking out winter gear and Tim went to go pay for everything and Wyatt takes off running to the tent section and I’m holding Mara without a carrier, so I chase after him and he starts whipping tent stakes all over the place and I’m cleaning them up after him and trying to be as patient as possible explaining that “we don’t do this and we need to pick up” and then he just lets loose and screams at the top of his lungs, so, while still holding Mara in one arm I grab him under the armpit with my other hand and hoist him up so I’m now carrying him under my arm and he’s still screaming, all the while Tim is having a nice conversation with the guy at checkout. He looks over at me just as I’m walking out of the store so my lunatic of a son is no longer deafening all of REI’s patrons.

I think it was the first time Tim actually saw what I do on a day to day basis. It didn’t even really phase me that I was capable of handling both of them and just dealing with the situation as it unraveled. It is definitely trickier to go to the store, or loading up the car, or carrying groceries in, or getting one to sleep just as the other wakes up, keeping Wyatt entertained as best I can with Mara breastfeeding at the same time, it’s probably madness if anyone were to just watch through the window, but now this is my normal. Psycho normal, ha!

The craziest part to me is, no matter how wild Wyatt has been all day, or how loud Mara cries, the second they are sleeping, I wish they would wake up again. I miss them, even when I’m staring right at them. To be a mother is to lose your mind on a daily basis, but having a heart full to the brim at the same time. It’s bizarre and I love it. Mara has been a dream baby, just like Wyatt was, so I consider myself quite lucky, even if I look like a maniac carrying two screaming babies out of the store like it ain’t no thing. Now if only my hair would be long enough for a ponytail so I can just throw it up in a top knot and have one less thing to deal with on a daily basis, that would be great. *dreams, sigh*

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Magazines and chocolate

Maintaining adult friendships is work. You have to really put some effort into it to keep people you want around. And of course every relationship fluctuates, but to really keep a close connection with something takes time and patience and understanding.

I have had a much easier time making friends here in Montana then I ever did in New York or Los Angeles, but it makes me really savor the few friendships I did make and now need to keep up with even though we are long distance. My best friend and I talk everyday via text and/or social media or any other outlet we need. Our relationship feels effortless and when we meet back up it’s like we were never apart. I feel truly lucky for this. I have many other friends that take a lot of work on both our parts.

I think of a ton of people I’d like to hang out with on any given day, but shy away from texting or calling to see what they’re doing. Or when friends offer to help me out with something, I feel bad utilizing their kind nature and feel more like a bother. I always try and remember that when they reach out to me to just hang, I super appreciate it and always have fun, and when I offer my help or assistance, I really mean it from the bottom of my heart and would go to any lengths to help. So, this week when I was stuck in the hospital, I did reach out to my friends, and I did ask for help. I asked for magazines and chocolates, I asked for their attention to talk to me for a bit, I asked for them to cheer me up and they all delivered. It really lifted my spirits and made such a difference. And I realized how difficult it would have been without them.

So, for all the effort it may take, it’s so worth it. It only took me 27 years to realize this and years of failed girl friendships and heartbreak and loneliness, but I’m happy I’m figuring it out as a young mother and don’t feel I have to go it alone.

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It sucks. Bedrest sucks. My poor little guy is stuck with me and he must be so bored. I know I’m bored. More bad news from the doctor which is scaring the shit outta me. Need an ultrasound to make sure little miss is still growing properly, elevated heart rate and my glucose levels are high along with my stress levels. Depending on the ultrasound it could mean immediate c-section, or just having to keep on toughing all these awful contractions out. It’s hard to stay positive with so much negativity floating around. I know my little lady is alright, deep down in my motherly gut, but I can still be scared and worried. I’m super thankful I have my baby boy to keep my mind occupied for most of the day and amazing family and friends that support me and keep my spirits up. The same way I had a miserable pregnancy with Wyatt, in completely different ways, but miserable nonetheless, I hope I can look back on this one and see just how quickly it flies by and then once baby is here it’s a whole new ball game.

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Spring Cleaning

It’s about time that the warm weather came to Montana and with it, begins the spring cleaning. I mean this in more ways then one. I began by deleting over 200 instagram accounts that I was mindlessly following. I realized that I could never keep up with my feed and felt overwhelmed by it, so I avoided it. However, I didn’t want to avoid it, I really enjoy instagram, so I started unfollowing. One account after another, I won’t name names, but there are quite a few bloggers that I’ve followed for years who have begun to grate on me, so instead of spending my time hating them and bitching about the, I just unfollowed them. I felt a weight lifted immediately.

Step one to spring cleaning complete.

Then I started purging our house. Closet first. Why do we have such sentimental feelings about clothes? It also doesn’t help that I’ve gained 16 pounds thus far and can’t fit into anything, but I just started getting rid of everything I haven’t worn in the last six months. Just bagged it up and out the door. I even went through Tim’s side of the closet as well. He’s turned into sporty spice since living up in Montana, so why keep all of his fancy clothes that he NEVER wears? Out the door. Then I hit up every room. Kitchen had lots of mismatched plates, random baby stuff we never used, and gadgets galore. Got rid of it all. No room was left untouched. By the end of it, I felt free.

Step two complete.

Then the craft room. This is it’s own monster. Not even considered a part of the house because it is so crammed with projects and materials and anything you could think you’d need to begin any project. Felting? Sure. Knitting or crocheting? Yes sir. Letterpress? you bet. Fly tying? Yup. Wanna make a teepee? Just enter the craft room and you’ll find everything you need. So, this room called for some special attention. These rooms tend to get messier and messier and oft left forgotten. I spent a whole day pulling everything out and organizing. I had the bare bone structure for organization in place, so it was a matter of just putting things away, folding fabric and taking huge trash bag to throw scraps and leftovers out. I guess there is not much to get rid of, but once that room had a little love I was so incredibly happy and wanted to start fresh projects, pure joy.

Step three complete.

Now for my personal life. This is somewhat along the lines of unfollowing people on instagram, but I needed to rid myself of all the negative people and thoughts that I feel have been building up around me. I found myself complaining just to complain, texting my best friend just to bitch, looking at peoples social media pages just to hate on them, nagging to my mom about anything and everything. I hate when I get into this rut. I would look at my texts to Tim during the day and I sounded like such a drag. I didn’t realize it while I was doing it, but looking back or reflecting on my day it would stress me out. I don’t want to be that person. I want to bring my friends up, bring happiness, laugh, be light and feel light. I definitely wasn’t there. Don’t get me wrong, having a best friend to vent to and a mom that loves you no matter how awful you can be is essential, but I was like that all the time. So, I started slowly but surely changing my attitude. Sending Tim random lovey dovey texts during the day. Telling my mom sincerely that I love her, not just when I hang up and say good bye. Emailing an old friend just to say hi. Making sure my best friend knows everyday that she is amazing and can do anything and is capable of everything. This is a process. It does not happen overnight and it’s still not complete, but it has made a big difference for me. I also think the boost of vitamin D and spending time working in the garden helps greatly.

Step four not totally complete, but definitely on my way.

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Planting a garden.

I’ve discovered that I make false stress for myself. I think coming from a high stress family and always working in high stress jobs, I have found it necessary to make situations extremely more stressful than needed. And when a situation isn’t stressful, I feel like I’m doing something wrong, or there needs to be a problem, I have such a hard time just going with the flow.

For example, I planted my garden this weekend. Well, let’s be clear, I didn’t, my aunts did. I have always planted a garden with my dad and brother and boy is it stressful. Exceedingly so. Everything has to be PERFECT, rows need to be exact, watering is a science, where you plant things is of the utmost importance, there is no easy way to do it. If it is not difficult, it is not right. I grew up like that. With everything. So, you have to understand that this is my normal.

Back to my aunts planting my garden… It’s not perfect. It’s far from perfect, but it works. Lettuce is planted all scattered around the tomatoes, green bean rows are planted every which direction, and zucchini, I think they planted a million, I don’t even like zucchini that much. I asked a million questions as they were planting… “What should I do about the weeds? Why are you planting so haphazardly? How much am I supposed to water? What if nothing grows? What if bugs come? What if I totally fuck it all up????”

And their answers for everything were so simple. “Don’t worry about the weeds, pull the ones you see and just keep an eye on them. It’s not the end of the world. We are planting “french” style, no need to plant like a math problem. Water as much as you think, if the plants look thirsty, you’ll know. If nothing grows, oh well, it was still fun planting together right? If bugs come, just let the plant go, no need to go crazy, bugs need food too. If you fuck it all up, oh well, we can try again next year.”

I have never, ever, ever in my life had such comfort. Suddenly this garden, that I avoided like the plague because all I could hear in my heads were the words of doubt coming from my dad and brother, disappeared. The stress was gone. No need to worry about criticism, or mistakes or disappointing anyone. I had built up a false stress and lived by it, I fueled it and believed in it.

I will see how this garden goes, but beyond that, I am beyond happy that I have learned this very valuable lesson. It’s strange how just planting a garden with your aunts can turn into so much more.

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