Magazines and chocolate

Maintaining adult friendships is work. You have to really put some effort into it to keep people you want around. And of course every relationship fluctuates, but to really keep a close connection with something takes time and patience and understanding.

I have had a much easier time making friends here in Montana then I ever did in New York or Los Angeles, but it makes me really savor the few friendships I did make and now need to keep up with even though we are long distance. My best friend and I talk everyday via text and/or social media or any other outlet we need. Our relationship feels effortless and when we meet back up it’s like we were never apart. I feel truly lucky for this. I have many other friends that take a lot of work on both our parts.

I think of a ton of people I’d like to hang out with on any given day, but shy away from texting or calling to see what they’re doing. Or when friends offer to help me out with something, I feel bad utilizing their kind nature and feel more like a bother. I always try and remember that when they reach out to me to just hang, I super appreciate it and always have fun, and when I offer my help or assistance, I really mean it from the bottom of my heart and would go to any lengths to help. So, this week when I was stuck in the hospital, I did reach out to my friends, and I did ask for help. I asked for magazines and chocolates, I asked for their attention to talk to me for a bit, I asked for them to cheer me up and they all delivered. It really lifted my spirits and made such a difference. And I realized how difficult it would have been without them.

So, for all the effort it may take, it’s so worth it. It only took me 27 years to realize this and years of failed girl friendships and heartbreak and loneliness, but I’m happy I’m figuring it out as a young mother and don’t feel I have to go it alone.

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It sucks. Bedrest sucks. My poor little guy is stuck with me and he must be so bored. I know I’m bored. More bad news from the doctor which is scaring the shit outta me. Need an ultrasound to make sure little miss is still growing properly, elevated heart rate and my glucose levels are high along with my stress levels. Depending on the ultrasound it could mean immediate c-section, or just having to keep on toughing all these awful contractions out. It’s hard to stay positive with so much negativity floating around. I know my little lady is alright, deep down in my motherly gut, but I can still be scared and worried. I’m super thankful I have my baby boy to keep my mind occupied for most of the day and amazing family and friends that support me and keep my spirits up. The same way I had a miserable pregnancy with Wyatt, in completely different ways, but miserable nonetheless, I hope I can look back on this one and see just how quickly it flies by and then once baby is here it’s a whole new ball game.

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Spring Cleaning

It’s about time that the warm weather came to Montana and with it, begins the spring cleaning. I mean this in more ways then one. I began by deleting over 200 instagram accounts that I was mindlessly following. I realized that I could never keep up with my feed and felt overwhelmed by it, so I avoided it. However, I didn’t want to avoid it, I really enjoy instagram, so I started unfollowing. One account after another, I won’t name names, but there are quite a few bloggers that I’ve followed for years who have begun to grate on me, so instead of spending my time hating them and bitching about the, I just unfollowed them. I felt a weight lifted immediately.

Step one to spring cleaning complete.

Then I started purging our house. Closet first. Why do we have such sentimental feelings about clothes? It also doesn’t help that I’ve gained 16 pounds thus far and can’t fit into anything, but I just started getting rid of everything I haven’t worn in the last six months. Just bagged it up and out the door. I even went through Tim’s side of the closet as well. He’s turned into sporty spice since living up in Montana, so why keep all of his fancy clothes that he NEVER wears? Out the door. Then I hit up every room. Kitchen had lots of mismatched plates, random baby stuff we never used, and gadgets galore. Got rid of it all. No room was left untouched. By the end of it, I felt free.

Step two complete.

Then the craft room. This is it’s own monster. Not even considered a part of the house because it is so crammed with projects and materials and anything you could think you’d need to begin any project. Felting? Sure. Knitting or crocheting? Yes sir. Letterpress? you bet. Fly tying? Yup. Wanna make a teepee? Just enter the craft room and you’ll find everything you need. So, this room called for some special attention. These rooms tend to get messier and messier and oft left forgotten. I spent a whole day pulling everything out and organizing. I had the bare bone structure for organization in place, so it was a matter of just putting things away, folding fabric and taking huge trash bag to throw scraps and leftovers out. I guess there is not much to get rid of, but once that room had a little love I was so incredibly happy and wanted to start fresh projects, pure joy.

Step three complete.

Now for my personal life. This is somewhat along the lines of unfollowing people on instagram, but I needed to rid myself of all the negative people and thoughts that I feel have been building up around me. I found myself complaining just to complain, texting my best friend just to bitch, looking at peoples social media pages just to hate on them, nagging to my mom about anything and everything. I hate when I get into this rut. I would look at my texts to Tim during the day and I sounded like such a drag. I didn’t realize it while I was doing it, but looking back or reflecting on my day it would stress me out. I don’t want to be that person. I want to bring my friends up, bring happiness, laugh, be light and feel light. I definitely wasn’t there. Don’t get me wrong, having a best friend to vent to and a mom that loves you no matter how awful you can be is essential, but I was like that all the time. So, I started slowly but surely changing my attitude. Sending Tim random lovey dovey texts during the day. Telling my mom sincerely that I love her, not just when I hang up and say good bye. Emailing an old friend just to say hi. Making sure my best friend knows everyday that she is amazing and can do anything and is capable of everything. This is a process. It does not happen overnight and it’s still not complete, but it has made a big difference for me. I also think the boost of vitamin D and spending time working in the garden helps greatly.

Step four not totally complete, but definitely on my way.

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Planting a garden.

I’ve discovered that I make false stress for myself. I think coming from a high stress family and always working in high stress jobs, I have found it necessary to make situations extremely more stressful than needed. And when a situation isn’t stressful, I feel like I’m doing something wrong, or there needs to be a problem, I have such a hard time just going with the flow.

For example, I planted my garden this weekend. Well, let’s be clear, I didn’t, my aunts did. I have always planted a garden with my dad and brother and boy is it stressful. Exceedingly so. Everything has to be PERFECT, rows need to be exact, watering is a science, where you plant things is of the utmost importance, there is no easy way to do it. If it is not difficult, it is not right. I grew up like that. With everything. So, you have to understand that this is my normal.

Back to my aunts planting my garden… It’s not perfect. It’s far from perfect, but it works. Lettuce is planted all scattered around the tomatoes, green bean rows are planted every which direction, and zucchini, I think they planted a million, I don’t even like zucchini that much. I asked a million questions as they were planting… “What should I do about the weeds? Why are you planting so haphazardly? How much am I supposed to water? What if nothing grows? What if bugs come? What if I totally fuck it all up????”

And their answers for everything were so simple. “Don’t worry about the weeds, pull the ones you see and just keep an eye on them. It’s not the end of the world. We are planting “french” style, no need to plant like a math problem. Water as much as you think, if the plants look thirsty, you’ll know. If nothing grows, oh well, it was still fun planting together right? If bugs come, just let the plant go, no need to go crazy, bugs need food too. If you fuck it all up, oh well, we can try again next year.”

I have never, ever, ever in my life had such comfort. Suddenly this garden, that I avoided like the plague because all I could hear in my heads were the words of doubt coming from my dad and brother, disappeared. The stress was gone. No need to worry about criticism, or mistakes or disappointing anyone. I had built up a false stress and lived by it, I fueled it and believed in it.

I will see how this garden goes, but beyond that, I am beyond happy that I have learned this very valuable lesson. It’s strange how just planting a garden with your aunts can turn into so much more.

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Playing Catch Up

I’m at a loss as to what to write! So much has happened. I guess I’ll just do a run down..

1. My baby turned 1. We had an Easter Birthday bash and I made a kick ass robot pinata and wyatt had a whole cake COVERED in sprinkles to himself. I don’t think he slept for 16 hours. We ate a shit ton of candy and had a beautiful day. It’s been a monumental year and I’ve grown in so many ways. He has taught me patience, unconditional love, and more lessons than I can even fathom. I love my little boy more than anything I’ve ever known and my life would be absolutely empty without him. I have learned to really live in the moment and savor every little second with him, I take pictures of his toes and his ears so I’ll never forget. He’s funny and smart and a joy to be with. I am so lucky to be his mama.

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2. We went to LA for a quick trip. I was once again bummed that I didn’t get to hang out with my friends more, but I’ll take every minute I get. It was fun to hang out with family though no matter how different they are from my family. It was also quite the adventure flying solo while pregnant with a walking one year old!

3. I realized how important my girlfriends are to me. I sometimes forget that I have a support system until it really kicks in. I think I’ve been more open to learning about myself and this great big world we are living in, which makes me more open to relationships. I was closed off for so long. Now when I’m upset and need to vent, I have friends to turn to. And when I’m happy and proud of something, I have girls to share that with.

4. Spring has finally hit Montana. It snowed last week and this week it is 70 and gorgeous. I love it.

5. I had 2 stints in the hospital last week that were no fun. At 29 weeks I began having contractions every 5 minutes, no bueno. So, after calling the doctor they told me just to come in to labor and delivery. After a few hours of monitoring they gave me a shot to stop contractions and it worked almost immediately, however, 12 hours later they started right back up. So, I call again and they tell me to come in. UGHHHHH, it sucked, but it would suck more to have a baby 11 weeks premature. She ain’t ready to come out yet! So, now I’m on modified bedrest and prescription medication to keep the contractions at bay. I’m sure it will all be fine, but it was quite the scare. I’ve spent the past week lounging about and to say it is difficult is an understatement. Especially with a 1 year old. It’s alright though, at least we have a nice backyard and it’s nice weather now.

6. I’m seriously considering just getting married at the courthouse. Even though we pushed the wedding to next year, I just don’t think I want to do it. Maybe once this little lady is born we will all go in and get married together as our own little family. I plan on throwing a party after, but I don’t know if I’m up to planning a full blown wedding. Plus, we are paying for everything ourselves and I just don’t think it’s feasible. If we even get married at this point, gosh it’s such a headache to me.

7. I am starting a budget for our family. Our spending is out of control and it needs to be tamed! I have been doing a lot of research and we are going to start out with the envelope cash system to try for the summer. It makes old school sense to me. Then we are really going to aim for a $1,000 emergency fund and a 6-9 month backup fund. I am a really frugal person by nature, but even thrift shopping and couponing pointless items adds up. Shopping was and is definitely a hobby for my mom and I and various other family members, so I have to stick to my guns and really cut it down. I cancelled cable, I do coupon, and I’m looking for a less expensive house for us to live in. It’s a big undertaking and it’s even harder to get your significant other on board, but I would be much happier with money in the bank than wasted on useless items. And who woulda thought I’d be thinking about two college funds! Time to get serious.

Alright, well I think that catches me up, at least somewhat! Wyatt just crawled on my lap so I suppose it’s time for a snuggle instead of clacking away on this keyboard.

Mama of 2

Well, baby number 2, you’re even more of a surprise than we thought! We went to the doctor last week and instead of being in my first trimester like I previously thought, I was 18 weeks along! Putting me at 5 months today! Wow. And they are 90% certain you’re a girl (we find out for sure on Thursday) Exciting! Well I’m half way done with being pregnant already and I barely even knew it. 

This time around we are going a different route with having the baby. Last time I went all natural at a birth center with a wonderful midwife and although the experience was definitely not bad at all, I’m kind of scared to do that again. Plus my midwife moved away and I don’t feel comfortable delivering with any other midwife in town. I found a doctor at the hospital that is very hands off and from my first time meeting her I knew we were a good match. I felt like she really listened to me and didn’t brush any of my fears or issues off. I sort of felt at the birth center that there is a mindset of “Women have been doing this forever, nothing to worry about, nothing makes you special or different” And I don’t really feel like I need special treatment, however, I feel every woman deserves special treatment. This is a monumental thing! You are bringing a baby into this world and holy shit your life is about to change, you should feel loved and taken care of and mostly listened to. 

I won’t get into some of the issues I had with the birth center, but now, 10 months after the fact I see them clear as day. I still want to have this baby natural, just like I did with Wyatt, but I am looking forward to seeing how this experience differs from the first time around. And I know there will be issues with whatever route you go, but why not try something else instead of being unhappy with the same process as before. If you know it bothers you, change it, don’t just stand by expecting it to be different this time. 

My friend made this comment a few months ago about being a psuedo hippie. Not in style, but in thought process. That phrase has hung around with me since then. I mean, no one would ever look at me and think I was anything even close to a hippie, but we co-sleep, we breastfeed, we care about what we eat, listening to what our bodies are telling us, we are definitely unconventional and I guess that fits into the counter culture definition. I can’t classify us as parents, or myself as a mother, I guess that’s alright. I had my first baby with a midwife and I’ll have my second with a doctor. As long as I’m doing what feels right to me is all that matters. I know what is best for myself and my family. And you know the same for you. I wish there wasn’t so much judgement about what what’s right or wrong, because there is no right or wrong! It took me awhile to figure this out and I wouldn’t say I still have a full grasp on it, I question myself everyday, but I know as long as I’m making thoughtful decisions and they are in the best benefit of myself and my family that’s about as right as I need to be. 

This has turned into such a rant and I don’t even have any pictures to post! I just thought since it has been hanging around in my head for some time I’d post. Just do what you do, because that is what you do best! No one knows yourself better than you, never forget that. I always have to remember that. 

Frida

My baby girl turned 3 a few days ago.

We’ve come a long way my sweet girl and you are the most wonderful gift I ever gave myself. Always patient with me when I’m crying into your fur or squeezing you too tight, sometimes I’ve felt like you’re the only being in the world that understands me. You have always slept on the floor right on my side of the bed and the countless times I must have shocked you awake by stomping on your tail or leg climbing out of bed in the middle of the night, but you’ve never yelped or snapped, you just scooch out of my way and fall back asleep. You know when you’ve been especially clever, like the time you slipped a whole pizza out of a closed pizza box and tricked us all into thinking there was still a whole pizza to be eaten, yet you had a belly full of cheese and pepperoni. Or the time you slid a lid off a pot, not all the way off, just far enough that you could stick your sneaky little snout in the pot and eat the top layer of delicious chili. And boy do you know when you’re in trouble, but I can never stay mad at you for long. How could I, with those eyes? I always thought you were so beautiful even when you were a little fluffball and little did I know that I would never be able to wear black again without finding traces of you all over. Now that you’ve grown though, you’re even more gorgeous. You let Wyatt climb all over you, he even grabs your toes which even I can’t do! I never mind letting you out in the middle of the night if your tummy is bothering you and you always wake me up by laying your big head on my neck while I sleep and let me know you really need to go out. You love to play, more than any of our other dogs. If you could, we would play keep away and fetch all day long. You really give my arm a work out. I love how you love me Frida. If only everyone was so lucky to have a pup as great as you. Happy third birthday Freeds, hope we have a million more. I love you.

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