Ketchup

Tim has been gone in China for a week now, my mom left yesterday, today is Wyatt’s half birthday and I feel so alone.

I let my little man take his nap in my arms today. He fell asleep while I was holding him and I didn’t have the heart to put him down. I don’t mind, I’ll hold him as long as he let’s me.

Im watching American Horror Story Freakshow and I’m obsessed. These shows are so good, weird, but good.

Last night I did a quick little workout that I found via Pinterest. I lost all my baby weight two weeks after Mara was imageborn, I just have to tone up. I’ve been running but it’s not enough. I realize that I just need a list of what to do and just go at it in front of the tv or while the kids are sleeping. I think it’s a good start and I loved breaking a sweat.

I also have kind of started my kids label Lazarus. Drop crotch leggings and little rompers. I always hated when babies leggings went to one side of their diapers, it looks so uncomfortable. So I started making pants for Wyatt and then Mara and with the encouragement of my best friend and decided to see if anyone wanted to buy them. I had a great response, so I’ll start sewing tonight. I hope to have ten pairs done by this weekend.

I guess this was just a little catch up, but it feels good to check in.

Golden

Latest tattoo. I’m not sure why I never documented my constellation tattoo’s, but on the backs of my arms I have ursa major and minor, popularly known as the big dipper and the little dipper. Those are my tattoo’s for Wyatt. I haven’t yet figured out what tattoo I’ll get for Mara, but this golden one has been on my mind for awhile. This is my 14th tattoo. Horse, Rosa, 13, spool of thread, horse shoe, I understand, big dipper, little dipper, scissors, feather, flying heart, compass, and lastly golden. I love that they all have special meanings to me and are completely meaningless to others.

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Wedding Planning

So, in less than a year from now I will be marrying Tim. It is more hard to believe that I will be getting married than it was when I had kids! I always knew I’d be a mom, but I never imagined myself as a wife, ha! Kind of hard to explain, but this is a big deal. I am HORRIBLE at planning, so I’m super stoked I found a free wedding planner (she’s building her portfolio and I get to reap the benefits!) and my best friend/maid of honor is the most planned person I know, so I’ve got a crew to help me out.

All I know is that I want it to be a bash. Just a food fest dance party extravaganza. I already have my dress, I already have the location, and the invite list just keeps getting longer. I feel like with a destination wedding you can over invite because probably only half of the people will make it.

I’m also happy knowing that my family is contributing their talents in lieu of gifts to us. My uncle will be doing all the cooking, my cousin Sierra will be doing all the desserts, my aunts will be setting up itineraries for hikes and other outdoor activities (they have a cabin 5 minutes from the venue and know the area well) and most of my family will be helping to set up and break down the whole weekend. Can you tell we are doing a budget wedding? We are paying for everything ourselves, so we are being as resourceful as possible. There will be a shit ton of DIY happening ha. And as much as I like peonies, I think carnations will be the flower of choice!

Well, one good thing, I already found the beer we will be having. I will just have to drive over to Washington and buy it in bulk!

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Coffee

I’ve been meaning to post forever and here I finally am.

Do you ever forget to breathe? Or not realize when the last time you took a conscious breath was? I do it all the time. I will notice at some random point that I have forgotten to breath all day. It’s a strange thing, because really you have been breathing all along, but it’s so easy to forget that you do. I usually notice when I’m uptight, stressed or mad and especially right before I fall asleep. I notice my face is scrunched up and tense and I usually have my hands balled up in fists and I take a deep breath, relax my face and just focus on myself.

What a rare thing these days. Focusing on myself. Everything I do is for my babies, my significant other and my dogs. In that order. I fall somewhere at the very end. It’s those moments when I remember to breathe how important it is to care for myself as well.  Going to try this week to put myself first sometimes and see what difference it makes in my relationships and as a mother. Even if it’s just walking the dogs by myself or buying something for me and not the kids and making myself coffee every morning before getting breakfast started. We will see how it goes.

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4 am

I wake up at 4 am almost every single day. Mara usually has to eat, but falls asleep right away. Wyatt will kind of get up and want a glass of water. Then I am left wide awake for roughly one to two hours. Typically I will lay in bed and listen to my whole family snoring, even the dogs, and look at instagram and craigslist (I’m addicted) and pinterest. Then I walk downstairs to grab a glass of water and look around the house debating if I should just stay up for the day, or try and go back to sleep. This is around 6 am. Then I wander back upstairs and fall back asleep until 9 or 9:30 when Wyatt decides to wake up.

The other day I switched it up a little. When I woke up at 4 I just got out of bed and started working on projects that I can never get to when everyone is awake. I was a little tired, but I felt so relieved getting some of these ideas out of my head and made into tangible objects. I have a lot of mending projects that I have let fall by the wayside and in the quiet of the early morning I was able to finish 5 things that had just been laying around patiently waiting for me. Then when I finally crawled back into bed at 6 am I passed right out and woke up with Wyatt at 9:30. I felt like a million bucks.

I guess if at this juncture in my life the only time I can find time for myself is at 4 am then I have to take it! When I’m with the kids I can barely keep my head on straight let alone get any housework done efficiently, then when Tim gets home I just want to hang out and I’m super happy to have another set of hands to help me out, then dinner, and tv, and picking up, then babies bed time, then movie, then we crash. I still nap with the kids during the day and plus whenever I try and work on stuff during their nap I feel like I am constantly checking to see if they have woken up, or my projects get cut short. At 4 am I can choose to go back to sleep or simply stay up working on whatever I want until they wake up. It’s a much longer/flexible chunk of time.

After my last carpe diem post I’m realizing that we have to take advantage of every minute we get and if I have to lose a little sleep to get necessary “Patria” time, I’m willing to do it. And I won’t feel guilty napping with the kids during the day. (I always want to do a smiley face at the end, but I hate that wordpress automatically turns it into a dumb emoticon, so just assume I’m smiling at the end of every post, ha!)

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Carpe fucking Diem

I totally thought I posted Mara’s introduction post weeks ago, however it was just sitting there in my drafts. Majorly annoying.

Now I am sitting up with just my little girl, Tim took Wyatt to sleep hours ago and it is so nice to just enjoy some quiet time. It’s very easy to forget how simple it is just to open a laptop, or to watch TV with the volume at a decent level, or to simply load the dishwasher without someone pulling out every piece of silverware almost immediately after you put it in. It’s these things that seem hugely bothersome now that I am sure I will miss. Like when I have two sassy teenagers someday, I’ll wish they were just thrashing the house and getting fingerprints on every imaginable surface instead of completely hating me. I’m fully prepared for the day that happens. So, I will hold every single kiss and all the hugs in the forefront of my mind and try not to focus on all of the madness… at least for now.

This is by far the most I have ever been loved in my life. I have a baby boy that smothers me in kisses and hugs on a daily basis, I have a teeny tiny baby that needs me every second of her life and a man that rushes home to kiss me and love up on me and his babies. It truly is a wonderful existence. I think we can get lost in the day to day, but if we really examine our lives, we have it oh so good.

I read something today that really resonated with me.
“Jorge Luis Borges wrote a short story in 1941,”The Garden of Forking Paths” about time. His example suggested time-space as a labyrinth. As you travel in the labyrinth you come to a forking path. At each forking path you must make a decision to go onto one path or the other. It is that decision that defines your life through time-space. Every possibility for your life exists in that labyrinth (time-space) but you only define one path. But every possibility is there and will be eternally.”

Each and every minute we can take one of a million paths. What’s stopping us from doing something different. Every possibility is there. It really is. I am on my path with two babies and that makes my life just that much more exciting. Two human responsibilities. It makes me realize how precious and quick life is. Carpe Diem mother fuckers, carpe fucking diem. Live the life you want. Let your kids make you crazy, but love it anyways. Kat, buy those phantogram tickets for New York. Tim, start filming your fishing movie. Tom, move to Montana like you’ve always dreamed. Just fucking do it, do what you want. Live in this moment. I know everyone has said this all before, but I really believe it and hope everyone thinks like this on a daily basis. Think of every choice you’ve made and every choice you will make, make it with intention and remember you have the power to control each and every second of your life, don’t let anyone else do it for you.

I know it sounds easier said then done, but trust me, someday you’ll look back and be so happy you lived your fucking life. and now, I’ll give my wild babies sleepy kisses and let them pull out all of their books and throw their juice off the table and live fully each and every moment I have with them.

Introducing…

Mara Lake Sakai

Born July 17, 2014 at 1:35 in the afternoon. Weighing in at 6 pounds 7 ounces and 19 inches long.

She has been a dream come true. Very different than how Wyatt was, but still very similar. At first I thought she looked exactly like him, but now she is becoming her own little person in my eyes. Everyone says she looks exactly like me, so I’ll take that as a compliment. Tim missed her birth, so I delivered her at the hospital with my Aunt Lis by my side. I even cut her umbilical cord myself! I felt pretty proud of that. For as difficult of a pregnancy I had, the actual labor and delivery were awesome. I thought my little beast in the belly was going to come out a crying screaming maniac, but she has been such a calm, quiet baby thus far. I know I’m only three weeks in, but the way she was in the womb is so very opposite of how she is now. Maybe beast mode will sneak back in when she’s a bit older. ha!

I love her so much and I never thought I could love anything like I love Wyatt, but it’s strange… it’s as if your heart just gets bigger to hold all the more love. I’m one proud mama and happy to finally have my baby in my arms.

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Mother of 2

Holy shit. Being a mom to two little ones is quite a trip. It’s awesome and challenging at the same time. Yesterday we were at REI checking out winter gear and Tim went to go pay for everything and Wyatt takes off running to the tent section and I’m holding Mara without a carrier, so I chase after him and he starts whipping tent stakes all over the place and I’m cleaning them up after him and trying to be as patient as possible explaining that “we don’t do this and we need to pick up” and then he just lets loose and screams at the top of his lungs, so, while still holding Mara in one arm I grab him under the armpit with my other hand and hoist him up so I’m now carrying him under my arm and he’s still screaming, all the while Tim is having a nice conversation with the guy at checkout. He looks over at me just as I’m walking out of the store so my lunatic of a son is no longer deafening all of REI’s patrons.

I think it was the first time Tim actually saw what I do on a day to day basis. It didn’t even really phase me that I was capable of handling both of them and just dealing with the situation as it unraveled. It is definitely trickier to go to the store, or loading up the car, or carrying groceries in, or getting one to sleep just as the other wakes up, keeping Wyatt entertained as best I can with Mara breastfeeding at the same time, it’s probably madness if anyone were to just watch through the window, but now this is my normal. Psycho normal, ha!

The craziest part to me is, no matter how wild Wyatt has been all day, or how loud Mara cries, the second they are sleeping, I wish they would wake up again. I miss them, even when I’m staring right at them. To be a mother is to lose your mind on a daily basis, but having a heart full to the brim at the same time. It’s bizarre and I love it. Mara has been a dream baby, just like Wyatt was, so I consider myself quite lucky, even if I look like a maniac carrying two screaming babies out of the store like it ain’t no thing. Now if only my hair would be long enough for a ponytail so I can just throw it up in a top knot and have one less thing to deal with on a daily basis, that would be great. *dreams, sigh*

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Magazines and chocolate

Maintaining adult friendships is work. You have to really put some effort into it to keep people you want around. And of course every relationship fluctuates, but to really keep a close connection with something takes time and patience and understanding.

I have had a much easier time making friends here in Montana then I ever did in New York or Los Angeles, but it makes me really savor the few friendships I did make and now need to keep up with even though we are long distance. My best friend and I talk everyday via text and/or social media or any other outlet we need. Our relationship feels effortless and when we meet back up it’s like we were never apart. I feel truly lucky for this. I have many other friends that take a lot of work on both our parts.

I think of a ton of people I’d like to hang out with on any given day, but shy away from texting or calling to see what they’re doing. Or when friends offer to help me out with something, I feel bad utilizing their kind nature and feel more like a bother. I always try and remember that when they reach out to me to just hang, I super appreciate it and always have fun, and when I offer my help or assistance, I really mean it from the bottom of my heart and would go to any lengths to help. So, this week when I was stuck in the hospital, I did reach out to my friends, and I did ask for help. I asked for magazines and chocolates, I asked for their attention to talk to me for a bit, I asked for them to cheer me up and they all delivered. It really lifted my spirits and made such a difference. And I realized how difficult it would have been without them.

So, for all the effort it may take, it’s so worth it. It only took me 27 years to realize this and years of failed girl friendships and heartbreak and loneliness, but I’m happy I’m figuring it out as a young mother and don’t feel I have to go it alone.

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It sucks. Bedrest sucks. My poor little guy is stuck with me and he must be so bored. I know I’m bored. More bad news from the doctor which is scaring the shit outta me. Need an ultrasound to make sure little miss is still growing properly, elevated heart rate and my glucose levels are high along with my stress levels. Depending on the ultrasound it could mean immediate c-section, or just having to keep on toughing all these awful contractions out. It’s hard to stay positive with so much negativity floating around. I know my little lady is alright, deep down in my motherly gut, but I can still be scared and worried. I’m super thankful I have my baby boy to keep my mind occupied for most of the day and amazing family and friends that support me and keep my spirits up. The same way I had a miserable pregnancy with Wyatt, in completely different ways, but miserable nonetheless, I hope I can look back on this one and see just how quickly it flies by and then once baby is here it’s a whole new ball game.

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