Mama of 2

Well, baby number 2, you’re even more of a surprise than we thought! We went to the doctor last week and instead of being in my first trimester like I previously thought, I was 18 weeks along! Putting me at 5 months today! Wow. And they are 90% certain you’re a girl (we find out for sure on Thursday) Exciting! Well I’m half way done with being pregnant already and I barely even knew it. 

This time around we are going a different route with having the baby. Last time I went all natural at a birth center with a wonderful midwife and although the experience was definitely not bad at all, I’m kind of scared to do that again. Plus my midwife moved away and I don’t feel comfortable delivering with any other midwife in town. I found a doctor at the hospital that is very hands off and from my first time meeting her I knew we were a good match. I felt like she really listened to me and didn’t brush any of my fears or issues off. I sort of felt at the birth center that there is a mindset of “Women have been doing this forever, nothing to worry about, nothing makes you special or different” And I don’t really feel like I need special treatment, however, I feel every woman deserves special treatment. This is a monumental thing! You are bringing a baby into this world and holy shit your life is about to change, you should feel loved and taken care of and mostly listened to. 

I won’t get into some of the issues I had with the birth center, but now, 10 months after the fact I see them clear as day. I still want to have this baby natural, just like I did with Wyatt, but I am looking forward to seeing how this experience differs from the first time around. And I know there will be issues with whatever route you go, but why not try something else instead of being unhappy with the same process as before. If you know it bothers you, change it, don’t just stand by expecting it to be different this time. 

My friend made this comment a few months ago about being a psuedo hippie. Not in style, but in thought process. That phrase has hung around with me since then. I mean, no one would ever look at me and think I was anything even close to a hippie, but we co-sleep, we breastfeed, we care about what we eat, listening to what our bodies are telling us, we are definitely unconventional and I guess that fits into the counter culture definition. I can’t classify us as parents, or myself as a mother, I guess that’s alright. I had my first baby with a midwife and I’ll have my second with a doctor. As long as I’m doing what feels right to me is all that matters. I know what is best for myself and my family. And you know the same for you. I wish there wasn’t so much judgement about what what’s right or wrong, because there is no right or wrong! It took me awhile to figure this out and I wouldn’t say I still have a full grasp on it, I question myself everyday, but I know as long as I’m making thoughtful decisions and they are in the best benefit of myself and my family that’s about as right as I need to be. 

This has turned into such a rant and I don’t even have any pictures to post! I just thought since it has been hanging around in my head for some time I’d post. Just do what you do, because that is what you do best! No one knows yourself better than you, never forget that. I always have to remember that. 

Frida

My baby girl turned 3 a few days ago.

We’ve come a long way my sweet girl and you are the most wonderful gift I ever gave myself. Always patient with me when I’m crying into your fur or squeezing you too tight, sometimes I’ve felt like you’re the only being in the world that understands me. You have always slept on the floor right on my side of the bed and the countless times I must have shocked you awake by stomping on your tail or leg climbing out of bed in the middle of the night, but you’ve never yelped or snapped, you just scooch out of my way and fall back asleep. You know when you’ve been especially clever, like the time you slipped a whole pizza out of a closed pizza box and tricked us all into thinking there was still a whole pizza to be eaten, yet you had a belly full of cheese and pepperoni. Or the time you slid a lid off a pot, not all the way off, just far enough that you could stick your sneaky little snout in the pot and eat the top layer of delicious chili. And boy do you know when you’re in trouble, but I can never stay mad at you for long. How could I, with those eyes? I always thought you were so beautiful even when you were a little fluffball and little did I know that I would never be able to wear black again without finding traces of you all over. Now that you’ve grown though, you’re even more gorgeous. You let Wyatt climb all over you, he even grabs your toes which even I can’t do! I never mind letting you out in the middle of the night if your tummy is bothering you and you always wake me up by laying your big head on my neck while I sleep and let me know you really need to go out. You love to play, more than any of our other dogs. If you could, we would play keep away and fetch all day long. You really give my arm a work out. I love how you love me Frida. If only everyone was so lucky to have a pup as great as you. Happy third birthday Freeds, hope we have a million more. I love you.

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Love

As I’m laying here wide awake in bed listening to both my boys snoring away, I have to smile. This insomnia business went away for awhile, but now I’m up sitting on Instagram and I happened down a rabbit hole of old high school acquaintances and had the strangest feeling of nostalgia? Maybe that’s not the right word I’m looking for, but what I saw on their feeds was the typical perfect life. Dating and looking beautiful, beach vacations, getting married, getting a puppy, moving in together, going out with their other beautiful friends and just living such a regular, perfect life. Or so it seems, but still, it’s what you’re “supposed to do”.

And then I think about how completely unconventional my whole relationship has been. From the very get go it wasn’t what anyone expected, hell, it wasn’t what I expected! Not to say I haven’t loved every kicking and screaming second of it, it’s been a roller coaster. And I happen to love roller coasters. But still, I feel so distant from everyone else in our story. I can’t talk to his parents the way the way I had hoped to because there is so much drama from the past. (Long story for another day) I feel like a pariah in his family. And it doesn’t help that we got pregnant and drove off to Montana on a whim! And my family, good grief. My parents only divorced two years ago. So Tim meets my family in complete disarray and I’m sure believes that’s the way it’s always been, but it hasn’t. I hardly recognize them anymore and that’s a devastation in it’s own right.

And now we are at a cross roads. Pregnant with baby number two, oh yeah, SURPRISE! And having to delay our wedding until summer 2015, if we even have it anymore (so much family angst I can’t imagine my parents in the same room, let alone Tim’s family enjoying our campy theme at all) and I sometimes looks at us like what is wrong with us? How did we do this all backwards?? Why didn’t we get the normal path where everything lines up and makes sense and everyone is happy and joyful for us?

Oh I remember, because we aren’t just regular people that are satisfied with “normal”. We need more. We need to live our life a little on the edge to feel it’s fullest breadth. We need to challenge everything that tells us what we should do and how we should be. We like to live passionately and creatively and that means we don’t fit in a neat little box like all the rest. We have done nothing conventional and yet we still love just as hard.

I guess when I look at those other pictures I wonder what could have been, but then I look to my beautiful family and realize, we have may have done it all wrong, but I would do it a million times over just to be in this exact moment with them.

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Before and after

I don;t have much to say. Except. Chalkboard paint. I may be a tad excited, but even if not used as a chalkboard, I love the matte black texture. I found this lamp at the thrift shop for $3.99 and the lamp shade for 99 cents. Whammo, sharp living room lamp for the win! Unfortunately with the way our living room is currently set up there is no way that it would work, so I’m going to try and sell it. I’m trying to set up an online shop/market for all sorts of re-purposed goods or cool finds, but it’s always a work in progress. Sometimes you just have to kick your own ass and just go with it and stop being such a perfectionist. Case in point, these horrific iPhone pictures, but hey it’s just supposed to give you an idea right?

lamp redo

It’s gonna be ok

Some days feel completely serendipitious. I often feel like I’m just going through the motions and nothing really significant ever stands out or makes each day totally and utterly special. Pretty sad actually. Think about it though, is it really everyday that you are doing exactly what you want, or meeting new people, or creating all of the amazing things you have stored up in your head? Not that there is anything wrong with a few days off to be a complete slob in your sweats and watch a million episodes of law and order while your house falls by the wayside, but lately my days have been outnumbered by that version of me and I don’t like it. It’s not me.

And then today at work I met a woman who just spoke to me. It was unreal. We talked for maybe 5 minutes and I knew everything was going to be ok. It’s hard to say that when depression and anxiety run rampant in not only yourself, but your entire family and you have a new baby and a fiance and two jobs and live in a new place entirely. It’s actually really fucking hard to say. It doesn’t feel like it’s ever going to be ok.

I tend to get a little gungho about people, but Rebecca’s whole message and idea is brilliant. So many new moms feel lost and not in a sad, sappy, pathetic way, but in a “I used to be awesome, where did I go?” kinda way. I am inspired by her message and can’t wait to learn more about her program and hopefully hang out with her more before she heads back to Minnesota!

If any other moms are reading this, I encourage you to check out Rebecca’s site rebeccaegbert.com and sign up for her newsletter. She has a great blog and I hope you like her as much as I do. And I don’t know why I can’t make this picture bigger without completely pixelating it, lame.

Spotonme

Thanks Kat!

I received a text the other day from my best friend that went a little something like this….

“It’s been 2 MONTHS since you’ve blogged!”

After giving her excuse after excuse as to why I’m such a bad blogger, she would have nothing to do with it and told me she’d make me a new banner and redo my layout. Voila, twenty minutes later and check out this beauty. I’m enthralled. So, here’s to new beginnings. It’s a new year after all, so why not start out on a good note. Thank you Kat, I love it so much, you’re the best ever.

Well, I guess I have some catching up to do!

-Wyatt had his first Christmas and first New Year. It was pretty epic. We could pretty much open up a children’s store with all of the gifts he received. No joke, there are even doubles. It’s kinda ridiculous, but at the same time I love how spoiled he is. I think it is very special that he is the first grandson for all of his grandparents. He’s one lucky little guy.

-I went to my first auction and I’m hooked. Going to the flea markets and thrift shops is one thing, but auctions, man are they fun. Competitive, exciting and loud! Who knew? I came home with tons of goodies and can’t wait to clean them up and repaint and sell quite a few things. My inventory for selling things is getting a bit out of control and I have to find a good outlet to move stuff. Online sales? Keep up with the Instagram sales? Open a market in town?  I’m not sure yet, but it’s constantly on my mind. I know I could make something work, I just have to get out there and do it.

-Of course when I’m sitting here at my computer I can’t think of anything to write really. I have all these ideas floating in my head of what to post and then when I actually go to do it I come up blank. I should probably be a little easier on myself, but I set such lofty goals that they are very quickly unattainable. For example, I have this quilt that I have been dying to finish. And all I have left to do is the damn binding, but no matter what way I slice it, I can’t do it. Either I pin it all wrong and hand sewing gets all wonky, or I try machine sewing and my needle breaks and so I stare at it guiltily in the corner of my work table and just pray that it finishes itself. I will get to it eventually, I just never give it the proper time and attention. And it’s a queen size quilt, so the binding is a big pain in the ass part of it. I have strayed so much from the point it is not even funny, but the fact of the matter is just like quilting, blogging has the same effect. I have these brilliant days of thinking up a million ideas and planning out days of posts and I never write them down, or even begin to blog. Stuck in my head is where they stay. I’m working on it!

-I’m just going to leave this wayward post as is. Try not to jinx anything and see how quickly I come back. Enter winky smiley face here.

ImageImageImagePictures from Yellowstone National Park summer 2013. Color inspo.

A Poem for my Son

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you.
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting.
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools.
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run.
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

If by Rudyard Kipling

I heard this on the Writers Alamanac via NPR a few weeks back and I swear I had to fight back tears. You know when you hear exactly what you need to hear? That’s how this felt when I heard it on the radio. What a beautiful poem, it says everything I hope to teach Wyatt in his life. Oh, I could read it a million times. I know I’m being so cheesy, but now as a mother I feel like I need to impart all this wisdom on my child to make him infinitely better than me.

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